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A life before hell.. a life before childhood cancer.

Looking back, it's hard to reminisce on a time before cancer invaded our life. It's hard to look back on Jocelyn's short 3.5 years and see anything other than cancer, suffering, and heartache. Truth of the matter is, there was a time before life fell apart. There were happy moments; moments in which we dreamt about how Jocelyn's life would end up. What would she grow up to become? How many siblings would she have? How would her personality develop?

Jocelyn was the most perfect newborn you could have ever hoped for. She was so easy going, so easy to please, the absolute best sleeper, and oh so beautiful. We honestly couldn't have been blessed with any better of a baby. She had it all, and boy we were so in love.

By the time Jocelyn was three months old, we packed our things, and moved across country to Utah, for my husband's military career. This simply was the best thing that could have happened to us in so many ways, and I will continue to say this even now.

Typically not having family around may seem stressful, lonely, and a little depressing. For us, this was without a doubt how our relationship with Jocelyn evolved in the way it had. We learned to cherish family time. We only had each other, so every moment together, truly counted. We have always been surrounded by negative energy in our home town. Moving away gave us the space we needed, the space to enjoy each other, and to enjoy our sweet baby girl as brand new parents, without all the outside noise. We couldn't have been happier.

I fortunately was able to spend the first seven months of Jocelyn's life at home with her each and every day. Mommy and Jocelyn were always together, never apart, from the very beginning. That's exactly how I loved and wanted it. We developed such a closeness over those seven months, such an intense bond with one another. The love I developed for Jocelyn was like no other, something I hadn't felt before.

I began finding so much joy in the tiniest of things. As Jocelyn developed, my heart couldn't have been more full. Watching her sit up, crawl, say her first words (which was mama, for those wondering), try first foods, and then learn how to walk gave me so much pride. I felt like the proudest parent out there. Something about Jocelyn early on felt so special, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it back then.

We spent all of our free time together as a family. We are the type of family that loves low key adventure, trying new things and visiting new places. On top of a cross country road trip from New York to Utah, Jocelyn's first year was full of different sights. From Antelope Island, Utah mountains, family hikes, Arches National Park, to visiting Arizona; it really felt like Jocelyn had experienced it all within that first year. So many precious memories were made together. All which I cherish looking back on now, so deeply.

Our life felt so perfect as a family of three. We often talked about how incredibly lucky we were to have such a healthy, perfect baby girl. We feel so silly looking back on that thought now. As Jocelyn approached one, I remember feeling so much sadness but also so much excitement all at the same time. My once little baby was growing up; was now a toddler, and the thought of that was heartbreaking in a way but also so rewarding. I wanted to have this perfect tiny baby in my life forever, I didn't want her to grow up. What I wouldn't give to be able to watch her grow old now.

We were blessed with the most perfect 16 month's of Jocelyn's life. I will forever be thankful for the time we had with her happy, healthy, and simply a normal baby. As we all know that time didn't last long, but that's a story for another day, another post.

Thank you all for being here, and for all the love and support on this blog. I love you all lots.

Katelynn 🤍🦋


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